I've been getting a lot of positive feedback about this blog lately from neighbours, Friends of friends etc. saying how much they love reading it.
This is usually followed by saying what an incredible mom I am and how lucky my kids must be.
I don't know what posts they read to give them this impression but I feel like I am a Fraud.
I usually smile and say Thank you but inside I'm thinking
"If only they were in my house when all three kids are screaming for me at once and in turn I'm screaming back"
I can honestly say that the first 3.5 years of motherhood I kicked butt.
I was an AWESOME mom.
The Mom I always wanted to be.
I was fun, involved and a had a very positive attitude.
I let the kids paint and get messy, I planned everyday so the kids were well fed and entertained.
I don't know what happened, but somewhere along the way the mom I used to be went away.
I became the mom I once looked down on.
I became negative, selfish,overwhelmed and not emotionally involved at all.
I didn't plan fun activities or let them paint inside the house because all I could think of was the huge mess I would have to clean up.
I found myself dreading the next day instead of waking up excited to see my children.
Did I have post partum depression? Was I just outnumbered and exhausted? Was it the stress of moving? The stress of my daughters vision problems and all the hospital appointments? Was it all the negative motherhood posts I had been reading all over Facebook and Pinterest. You know the ones that light heartedly tell us we shouldn't be loving motherhood as much as we are. That we should be counting down the minutes until the kids are in bed instead so we can have some peace and quiet and a glass of wine? Was it all the strangers that told me My Hands were Full?
I think it was a combination of all the above and it was completely inexcusable of me.
Of course its not possible to enjoy every minute of motherhood, but I feel like it's almost the trendy thing to do to try to be the most uninvested miserable mom there is. How many times a day does a picture like this pop up on your Facebook feed?
My older daughter overheard me talking to a friend about how I couldn't wait for her and her sister to go back to school.
In the midst of saying it I saw her face change, her heart shatter.
I spend so much time trying to teach my children to be kind and here I was speaking unkindly about my own children.
I had a great summer with my three babies home - and now second week into school I miss them more than they know but now all I can think of his her being at school probably thinking I'm at home
Throwing a party because her and her sister are out of my face.
When I said that comment to my friend I had meant that I craved the routine back to school brings. Later that day my daughter told me she knew that I didn't love her because I didn't want her around. This was such a light bulb for me.
How many times in the past year have I said little things out loud like this that my children have overhead?
I hear moms all the time saying "God I can't wait until the kids go to bed so I can relax"
I'm guilty of it too.
I remember my own mother saying things like this and it crushed me.
I get it - were all exhausted.
Being a mother is hard - but our children are a blessing.
Let's start a trend of positive motherhood instead of focusing on the negative because with each negative comment towards motherhood or our children we are pushing our children away from us.
Our kids are only little for so long and we only get one chance.
I am writing this post as a reminder to myself to try to focus on the positive and I hope all you parents reading this can do the same.